Grief

I tend to think of grief as ocean waves. Initially, the surges of grief are as massive as huge swells and feel pummeling. And even as you may search for strong footing in the sand, the swells seem to still overwhelm. You manage to stay upright as best you can, sometimes being knocked around and over. And, eventually, the ocean stills and the swells soften and the sand feels firmer.  You have bearing and are upright. Yet even still, the waves are felt tugging at your ankles and lapping around your knees. Because, you see, grief never truly goes away and healing does not look like stopping the waves. 

Grief ultimately is an expression of love. We mourn because we dreamed, hoped and loved. Honoring our grief and allowing ourselves to mourn and express our feelings of sadness, pain, anger, confusion, denial and even rage, honors whom and what we loved. And it is meant to be difficult because it is painful to lose who and what, including the world, we love, and like the ocean waves, often leaves us unmoored. 

So, how to heal and grieve? Most importantly, lean into the emotions and give yourself permission and time and acceptance to feel everything. Let yourself need others in this; cry with others, rage with others, simply sit with others and talk and remember. Find time also to be alone in your emotions; journaling, drawing, listening to music, looking through pictures and giving yourself space to remember, cry, rage, question and love. 

Grief does not fit a timeframe, and so much of coping with grief means giving yourself grace to feel the waves and the swells no matter how long it has been or how far out from the loss you are. This can look like not saying things to yourself like “I should be over this,” or “Others have it worse,” or  “Others need me, so I should be strong for them,” and instead saying “I can feel both sad about my loss and happy about what is good in the present” or “I can be angry (sad, etc.) right now/in this moment/today and that is okay.” This can also look like creating rituals to remember and honor the loss to help contain emotions that seem endless.   

And, take care of your own self as best you are able. Grief is physical just as it is emotional. Rest, eat, move your body and listen to your body’s energy and needs instead of forcing yourself to be somewhere physically that you might not have the energy for. 

The waves will settle and, eventually, be a gentle lapping. Healing will come, as a bittersweet sadness and longing that softens yet aches, and life will change and hope can re-emerge and that is the task of coping and accepting.